apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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