And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
