my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
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