As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
