A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
