I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
