My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
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