Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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