I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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