The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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