the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
