Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
