How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
