I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
