Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
