Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
