in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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