the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
