Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
