we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
