the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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