worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
