someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize