I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
