:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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