im six kinds of drunk right now
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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