Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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