my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
