help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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