Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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