I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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