Swine flu is the new snow day.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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