Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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