I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
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