I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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