I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
