If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
