He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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