watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
