I feel great
I just peed on a car
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
