I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
