With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
