i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
