God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
