you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
