I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
