I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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