Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
