The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
