All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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