I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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