i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
