She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
