Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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