the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
