I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
