"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
