Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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